Holy Women

I mentioned in my "Me" post that so far this year, my dear grandma and my Aunt Margaret passed away.

Last July, my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.  My mom relayed all of this devestating information to my sisters and I and we prepared ourselves to lose this amazing lady.  My Aunt Margaret was a Dominican Sister.  She was a teacher.  She thrived on learning as much as she possibly could and sharing that with others.  She was Principal of Sacred Heart Griffin in Springfield for 20 years.  The amount of lives she impacted can't be counted.  She was kind, patient, caring, strong, and thoughtful.  Everything she said was important, she put time, care and thought into all things.  She was intentional, enjoyed every moment, and truly lived her live on earth as we all should, striving for heaven.  When she got her diagnosis, she wasn't upset.  She was excited to go home, to heaven.  She advised all of us to live each day to the fullest as she did.  She wasn't dying of cancer.  She was living.  She biked over 50,000 miles and walked just as many (enough to go around the world twice, a bucket list item of hers before she knew she even needed a bucket list).  She photographed beauty in God's creation.  She spent time in prayer and community, enjoying all that God had given her.  The lessons she taught anyone she met are too numerous to even type out.

My Grandma Rose was a gentle woman.  The kindest, sweetest lady there ever was.  Her name was no coincidence.  Beautiful, sweet, colorful.  She raised 9 kids and yet she seemed so young and energetic.  She had a deep love of our mother Mary, and could always be found with a rosary in her hand or her pocket.  She could be found at daily Mass and out to breakfast with family and friends afterwards.  She was a constant source of encouragement for me as a mom of many kids.  She'd remind me that each season had it fair share of joys and challenges and that all we needed was faith and love to get through each one.  She pushed me to be a better mom by her example.  She taught my mom how to be an amazing mom and grandma.  I see so much of my grandma in my mom, they're truly kindred spirits.  In each of my mom's siblings, I can see pieces of my grandparents, but my mom most closely resembles each and every one of grandma's greatest attributes.

Over a year ago, my grandma fractured her hip.  At that point, she spent time in the hospital and in a rehab facility.  Managing her pain was difficult and her health declined pretty rapidly.  Medications made her confused and tired and we all saw how hard that was.  She was ready to be reunited with her husband in heaven.  But the rest of us weren't.  She passed away in January after a final battle with pneumonia that she had no desire to beat.  She was ready for heaven and I know that's where she is.

Her funeral was HARD.  How do you grieve the loss of such an amazing person?  The 9 children, 24 grand children, 40+ great-grandchildren, plus countless in-laws looked up to her.  This amazing family that I feel so blessed to be a part of has lost her sweet presence.  And yet, I know that we now have her and grandpa praying for us in heaven.  I know that she continues to be my example and my inspiration.  Her lessons didn't die with her.  Pieces of her live on through her family.

Just 2 1/2 months later, my Aunt passed away.  Her funeral was just as HARD.  And yet both were so very beautiful.  So very them.  Each reading, each eulogy, each flower and picture was just right.  It was everything they wanted to it be.  A remembrance, a celebration, a chance to grieve, and a chance to see God's beauty.

It's hard to put into words how life changing their funerals were to me.  I think of them constantly.  I try to imitate their lives daily and I turn to Mary for constant help and guidance. I can't do it on my own.  And now I have two saints in heaven who are very close to me, helping me along the way.  Life will never be the same without them here but I hope that I can use what they've taught me to keep them close!

Me

It's only been 3 years... Life with 5 kids is as busy as you might think it is!  I thought maybe it was time for an update.  And a chance for me to get some of my thoughts out and recorded for me to reference later.  That is my favorite part of my former blogging and my current social media posting.  It's a digital scrapbook for me.  A way for me to see where I was 1,2,3,6 years ago and what was happening.  I can look back at the blog for the emotions and more detailed accounts of what was going on.  So maybe I'll update more!  Or maybe not, only time will tell, and time is something I don't always have a lot of!

Basically from the moment Anna was born, life has moved at lightning speed.  I have thrown my whole self into being a wife and a mother.  I put everyone's needs first and basically never attended to my own.  And for that season, that's exactly how I needed to do it.  We adopted 5 kids in 5 years.  We had 4 toddlers at once, 4 preschoolers at once, and now we finally have 4 elementary schoolers at once.  That doesn't meant it's gotten easier.  But I've gotten better at managing it.  With a variety of special needs thrown in there (another post for another day), my life is as busy and chaotic as ever.  With one big difference.  I finally prioritized me.

Just over a year ago, I went to the doctor for my annual checkup. My lab numbers had slowly been creeping into danger zones for years, but I was so preoccupied with raising my toddlers that I didn't have the time or energy to be concerned about it.  I was happily enjoying everything I'd ever wanted, my beautiful family.  Well, last year, these numbers had creeped up ever further.  My blood sugars had hit "prediabetic", my blood pressure was much higher than they'd like, and my cholesterol was up again.  My doctor gently told me that it was time to take my health seriously or I was facing diabetes, heart disease and other things that would take up more time and energy than I had.  She recommended that I go on a very low carb diet and focus on lowering that A1C first and foremost.

Well, I wasn't really ready to hear that and I pretty much ignored it for a few more months.  Agnes made her 1st Communion in May and my weight had gotten so out of control that I had nothing to wear and I was too ashamed of how far I'd let it go that I didn't want to shop for anything new.  I threw on a dress and leggings, hating how I felt in it (the dress was cute, I just didn't FEEL cute in it) and I tried to hide behind my family in all pictures.  Except that we took one of just Jeremy, Agnes and I.  And there was nowhere to hide.

When I looked at that picture, I quickly scrolled past.  I knew Agnes would want that picture someday, but I hated it.  That was me.  The lady in that picture wasn't taking care of herself.  She was stressed, anxiety ridden, tired, grumpy, and too overwhelmed by it all to think straight.  I decided that day that I was going to change it.

I did some research into some low carb diets and I found a Catholic group on FB that basically follows a much stricter version of keto.  I picked a date (May 17) and I began my journey.  Within 1 week of replacing all my carb foods with vegetables, cutting out all sugar, and focusing on healthy fats, moderate protein and low carb, I had lost 10 pounds.  Seeing all of that weight fly off that fast gave me resolve to keep at it.  The first few months were HARD.  Detoxing from all of those carbs and sugar was HARD.  However, I quickly saw the results.  I was dropping the weight fast and in return, I was gaining energy.  I started walking every day during the summer and being more active with the kids.  By July, I was down 30 pounds.

Jeremy and I went on a 10th Anniversary getaway and I managed to eat "on plan" throughout.  I was feeling better and better each day.  By October, I was down 50 pounds and people were starting to notice, I had to buy a whole new wardrobe (something I've done 2-3 times now).  We went on Jeremy's CPCU trip to San Diego and I felt amazing.  I couldn't believe how much energy I had, how great my clothes felt on me, and how much more I could do.

M

It has now been 11 months and I'm down 81 pounds.  I'd like to lose 9 more for a grand total of 90,
but it's coming off REALLY slowly at this point.  I'm not super concerned about the number, that's just where my "in body assessments" show me with a "healthy" balance of muscle, fat, water weight.  I had my annual exam a few weeks ago and my doctor was SOOOO impressed with what I did in the last year.  Not just the weight loss, but all of my numbers were right in the middle of normal again.  Right where they should be. Not only have I lost 80lbs, but I lost a lot of anxiety.  I lost brain fog.  I lost stress.  I lost exhaustion.  I lost my "prediabetic" status.  I lost high blood pressure.  I lost 10 years off of my face, people are constantly commenting on how much younger I look.  Or how good motherhood looks on me.  Or how calm I look.  Or how I seem to handle things so well.  Or how organized or put together I always seem.  And to be honest, I feel those things now.  I feel put together and organized.  I feel on top of my family's crazy schedule.  I feel on top of the various diagnoses, service plan meetings, phone calls from school, doctors appointments, therapy appointments, leading AHG, volunteering, etc...  I can actually manage it all and feel okay doing it.

April 2018/April 2019

So far in 2019, my beloved grandma has passed away, we've received big diagnoses for Anthony, we've had major setbacks and recoveries with Mya, my dear Aunt passed away, Josie broke her wrist, and more.  It has been emotionally hard this year.  And yet, I've handled it well.  I've been able to approach each challenge with a clear mind and a solid plan of action when needed.  I haven't let anxiety get the best of me.  I've grieved and I've cried, but I've also prayed and rested and balanced all of it the way I should.

I say all of this not to toot my own horn.  Maybe your'e in a stage like I was.  Your life is crazy and you're barely keeping your head above water.  Do what you need to do.  Find comfort in God's loving arms and prioritize.  And when you come out of that hard season, remember to prioritize you.  Remember that as God's beloved daughter, you matter.  You're important enough to put first.  He wants that of you.  It took me years to realize that taking care of myself isn't selfish.  I'll probably be in a "survival" season again and I hope I can remember these things.  So to the future me, take care of yourself.  Eat the things that make you feel good.  Walk to clear your head.  Stay away from what makes you feel yucky.  It's not worth it.  And rely on God's grace to take care of everything.

Full Hands

I can't tell you how many times a week I hear "Wow, you sure have your hands full."  This week, one of my kids turned the tables.  We were in the elevator at the children's museum.  A grandma was there with her two grandkids.  Anthony walked up to her and said, "Wow, you sure have your hands full." The lady looked at me and said, "What did he say?"  I repeated it and she said, "That's what I thought, what an odd thing for a little guy to say."  I told her that we sure heard that a lot and she said, "Well, your children are a beautiful hand full!"

It's a little sad to me that now my 4 year old is repeating that phrase.  My kids have asked many times, "Why do people say that?"  How do I explain to them that the world views them, children, as commodities and burdens?  My whole life is centered around raising these children.  For years, I have wanted nothing more than to have my "hands full" of children.  And it's every bit as fulfilling as I thought it would be.

That's not to say we don't have our rough days.  Today being one, and unfortunately, my attitude was of the "they're a handful" variety.  After a crazy morning, some cranky kids and some incidents of my kiddos not being nice to each other, I had an accident.  I had buckled the kids in the car and ran back inside to grab the diaper bag and bottles.  On my way back out the door, I saw one kid hitting another kid.  In my rush, I tripped on a kid's shoe, fell down our concrete stairs, twisted my ankle and dropped all of the stuff.

Shortly after that, we arrived at the park.  After our craziness, I was cranky.  One of my kids in particular, was very cranky.  Said child chose to throw a huge tantrum at the park, including throwing the lunch I packed on the ground and then screaming about the lunch being ruined...  Baby was crying, another kiddo was disobeying me and another kid kept pushing toddlers over (why????).  I was frustrated and short with them.  My goal in the moment was basically to get them all to leave me alone and go play.

When they went down for naps and I finally sat and took a breath, I thought about our morning.  I wasn't proud of how I lost my cool and became frustrated and annoyed with their contsant pleas.  I wasn't happy with the way my attitude had been. It wasn't an attitude of "look at these beautiful blessings, let me show them how much I care".  And as I thought about it, I remembered what happened after I fell down the stairs.  I lay on the ground, in pain, crying.  When I got up, the backseat offenders were crying too.  I hobbled over and asked what was wrong and they said, "Mommy, you were hurt!"  They were crying for me.  I assured them I was okay and one said, "But you can't be hurt, we need you to take care of us!"

Today, I certainly had my hands full.  It really had nothing to do with the number of kids I was caring for, but more to do with the moods and attitudes of the kids and myself.  But it only took one moment of their empathy to show me how beautifully full my hands are.  My heart is FULL.  They make me better.  They're my path to (hopefully) sainthood (I have a LOOOONG way to go).  Each child and their unique blend of strengths and challenges, makes me a better person.  My hands are full and my heart is fuller.

After years of infertility and a crazy adoption journey, I couldn't be happier with my full hands.  When I'm told how full my hands are, I usually respond "And it's wonderful!".  My kids reminded me today just how wonderful.  Once in a while we hear "You are so very blessed" or "You have such beautiful children" and I choose to hold onto those words as a parent.  What a blessed life I have.  What a privilege it is to be entrusted with these 5 souls.

Thank You!

I am slowly but surely getting Fundraiser Thank You's out.  But I wanted to give everyone a final update.

With our Puzzle Piece Fundraiser, we were able to raise every single penny that we needed to cover the remainder of Josephine's adoption.  The final agency payment (which allows us to finalize her adoption) and lawyer costs were completely covered (just about right down to the dollar) by our fundraiser.  Costs were a little higher than expected and of course, we raised a little bit more than we intended.  Amazing.  It's nothing short of amazing.

So from the bottoms of our hearts.  Thank you.  I can't say it enough.  I don't know how to thank everyone other than to continue to share my kids and my family with all of you.  Josephine is the most precious gift we could ever imagine.  We didn't even realize how much joy that sweet little girl would add to our lives.  The joy my kids have being her big sisters and brother, the joy we have being her parents, the joy she shows being a part of our family have been truly a blessing to experience.

It was incredibly humbling to ask for help financing her adoption.  We'd like to be able to do it all on our own.  However, through this humbling experience, God has taught us so much about the community we're surrounded by.  How giving, prayerful, supportive, kind, and loving our friends and family and complete strangers are.  In our world that seems so dismal at times, it is so refreshing to see the goodness that surrounds us.

So thank you again.  I cannot say it enough.  You've made us better parents and increased our faith in so many ways.  Our family has been greatly blessed by your generosity.

The Village

With all of our kids, it's always been clear to us how true the saying "It takes a village" really is.  Josephine has reminded us of that in so many ways.  I've said all long that Josephine's quick and surprising arrival has really showed us the generosity of people.  One of these ways is through feeding her.

From the get-go, Josephine had trouble with formula.  The hospital staff tried multiple before putting her on a super gentle (and stinky and expensive...) formula that she seemed to tolerate just ok.  Once we got her home, we stuck with that formula and while she tolerated it ok, we were so thankful when some friends offered us their surplus of breastmilk.  The difference was amazing.  We were able to give her at least 50% breastmilk in every bottle.  We had multiple friends give us substantial donations and other friends and family who gave us whatever extra they had.  That sacrifice of giving us their hard-earned milk has not gone unnoticed.

After a few weeks, we started to run low on breastmilk.  We were having to increase her formula and she was starting to vomit it all back up on us again.  If we gave her a bottle of straight formula, it all came back up within minutes.  Even with her reflux meds, it really hurt when she spit it all back up.

As we were starting to run low, a friend approached me at church, said she had extra milk in her freezer and asked if we'd be interested in it (she didn't know we relied on breastmilk donations for Josie).  I thanked her profusely and she brought over a bunch of milk.  The next week, that milk ran out and as I used my last bag, I said a quick prayer, asking God to either let Josie tolerate formula the next day or have some breastmilk donated from someone.

That evening, a neighbor of ours (whose daughter is 3 days older than Josie) messaged and asked if we would be interested in their extra milk.  I literally cried, what a beautiful answer to my prayer.

Since then, the donations have continued.  Both from my friend and neighbor and another lady who gave us 1,000 oz.  The donations have been steady enough that we've been able to give Josie just 1/3 of her milk through formula.  This seems to be the perfect ratio for her.  She tolerates it well and we could do straight breastmilk at this point because we have enough, but I'm afraid that if I do have to supplement with formula down the road that she won't take it because it definitely has a much stronger taste than the breastmilk.  We've had so many people give us sample cans of formula that we actually haven't purchased any formula either (until this week).

I am so very thankful for each and every person that has helped feed our sweet girl.  It seems like such a small thing, milk for a baby, and yet, it has been filled with such generosity and sacrifice on the part of so many women for our girl!  We feel so good giving her such high quality food at such a young age, we're grateful for every ounce and believe me, not a single drop has gone to waste!  This village we're surrounded by is filled by generous people and we are blown away by it all!  I never realized that simply feeding my baby would be a lesson in God's love.  But God can never be outdone in Generosity and Josephine has taught me that lesson all over again!

Josephine Grows

It's hard to believe how fast the time has gone!  Josephine is already 3 months old!  Here's a little recap of our sweet little lady!

 Newborn Josie!  Loved to be held, slept all the time, ate all the time.  Very happy newborn!  She loved to be swaddled and absolutely loves to be wrapped in my carrier.

1 month old Josie.  Got a major tongue tie fixed, started sleeping longer stretches and eating more at a time and less often.  Got some meds for pretty bad reflux.  Josie is super strong and holds her head up so well.  She loves to be worn and held and enjoys her snuggle time in the evenings.  She has been such an easy, happy baby!!  

2 month old Josie.  Once her feeding issues got all worked out, she sure chunked up :-).  She gained a lot of weight this month.  She continued being a super happy baby and absolutely loves to be talked to and to be around lots of people.  She enjoys playing with her siblings and laughing at their shenanigans.  She really has a sweet, laid back personality!  She's enjoyed lots of pool time and lots of naps at the parks and pool.  She's super easy going and never really cries about anything!

3 month old Josie!  She's so much fun!  She's rolled over a few times, she's super strong and can hold herself up so well (and always has been able to).  She's a great eater and loves her sleep.  She's sleeping through the night (8-7, waking up around 4:30-5, when dad gets up, to eat).  She loves to snuggle and she loves to watch her brother and sisters.  She's discovered how to laugh and it's the cutest thing ever.  She most certainly favors her mama, and has been known to fuss until she's back in mom's arms...  I don't mind one bit :-).  We just love our sweet Josie girl (or JoJo as her siblings have started calling her).  This littler girl LOVES her blankies.  A certain style/brand seems to be her favorite, we just bought a few extras today to have around.  She rubs them between her fingers and holds on to them all day long.  She also loves her pacifier and her fingers.  We cannot get enough of this sweet baby and she needs to slow down her growing and stay a baby a little while longer!  

8 Years!

Today is our 8 year wedding anniversary!  And I can honestly say that I love Jeremy even more today than I did on July 19, 2008.  He is the most amazing husband and father and I am so thankful for him each and every day.  Who knew 8 years ago the crazy life God had in store for us?  

3 years of infertility, an adoption journey that has included 3 fall throughs, 3 newborn adoptions, 2 foster care adoptions, and more love and sacrifice than we could even imagine.  And now parenting 5 kids under 6 through the good, the bad, and the ugly!  

I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  It seems like we've been married forever and for just a day all at the same time.  To think 13+ years ago when the shy, timid Jeremy asked me to a basketball game, we'd end up here is just crazy!  

Happy Anniversary Jeremy!  I look forward to a lifetime of memories and all kinds of crazy with you!