So I've learned in the last year or so that many people (myself included prior to this process) simply don't know much about adoption. They don't know how it works or the specifics of it. I've learned SOOOOO much this last year about adoption that I feel like I need to share it with others. Most of the information people "know" about it come from movies and media that simply present the extreme cases that are so far from the reality of it. So here's a short list of questions that people regularly ask me and my responses (most of them specific to how it's applied in our case).
Disclaimer #1: Many of these things are situation specific, all birth moms are different, all babies' stories are different, and all situations are different!
Disclaimer #2: I do NOT mind being asked questions, at all. Almost all of the time, they're asked out of curiosity and a desire to know more about it, both of which are wonderful, and I'm happy to share.
1) When will you legal be his parents?
A birth mom has a minimum of 72 hours to finalize her decision to parent or proceed with her adoption plan. This gives her a chance to experience all of the emotions/hormones that follow giving birth as well as a chance for her to be off of medication/anesthesia that could impair her judgment or interfere with her ability to sign a legal document. While this 72 hours is SUPER HARD for the adoptive families, it makes complete sense and it is done out of consideration for someone who is making the hardest decision of their lives. So 72 hours after the birth of our baby boy, his birth mom will sign surrenders. These are legally binding documents that are irrevocable. She is first read all of the information in the document, asked questions, and all of the legalities are explained to her by her case worker. Once these documents are signed, he will legally be under the guardianship of Catholic Charities. We will technically be his "foster parents" for 6 months until the court date when the adoption is finalized. Birth father's have the same kind of rights, but if he has not signed after the birth, he has 30 days to do so. In our case, he is aware of the pregnancy and the adoption plan, but lives out of the state, so it is up to the lawyers, after the baby's born, to obtain his surrenders. If for some reason he will not sign before the 30 days and has been contacted, his rights are automatically revoked by the legal system. In our case, our risk here is relatively low and not a cause for worry.
2) Have you chosen a name and was the birth mom a part of it?
Basically until "surrenders" are signed at 72 hours, the birth mom is the legal guardian. She has full rights as his mother and can name him whatever she wants. At the final adoption (6 months) we can legally change his name to our desired name. Being his parents during that period in between, we will call him by our name. However, in our case, our birth mom ultimately wanted us to name him. She told us that we are his parents and she wants his name to mean something to us. She did have an idea for a name though, and we took it into consideration. His first name is the name we originally chose and his middle name is a name that means the name she wanted. Due to confidentiality reasons, we can't say the name she wanted until after he's born, and maybe not even then, but ultimately she was thrilled with our compromise. It is a name that both Jeremy and I as well as his birth mom love and it has a lot of meaning for both of us. She loved the fact that we thought about it careful and chose something that really means something as that was important to her. We really wanted some way to recognize her with his name as she is a huge part of his life and will always be. We are so thrilled with it and are excited to share it when he's born.
3) When will you take him home?
Since she's having a scheduled c-section, and generally the hospital stay is 3 days, most likely he will come home with us on Thursday, after the surrenders are signed. If for some reason he is discharged before that, it will be up to the caseworkers, the birth mom, and us to decide whether he goes to an interim home until surrenders are signed or if we take a risk and take him home before they're signed. Our birth mom expressed that she wants US to take him home, as we are his parents, but again, that is something that we'll have to wait and see.
4) What happens in the hospital?
The birth mom has asked us to be at the hospital with her when she delivers. She has asked me to be in the delivery room with her and as long as her mind hasn't changed, this is how it will go. She would like us to be at the hospital as much as possible and she would like us to spend as much time with the baby as we can. However, things can change drastically as well. Often times it is up to hospital staff at the time as to how adoptive situations are handled. In an ideal situation, we'll have hospital bracelets and have full access with our own room and with birth mom's permission, the baby can be with us. However, many times different staff members handle it differently and we may have very limited access at the hospital. We simply don't know till we get there and while we hope it's an ideal circumstance, we've really kept open minds and are just going to wait and see (a common theme...). I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit dreading 3 days in the hospital... especially if we're just sitting around in a waiting room and the baby's in the nursery the whole time.
5) Why open adoption? Isn't that hard?
Here is where I've become extremely passionate. Before this whole process, I thought open adoptions were crazy. However, being in the midst of one, I can't see it any other way. I WANT my son to grow up knowing where he comes from and why he's a part of our family. I WANT my son to have access to his birth mom and birth siblings and be able to ask questions and understand why an adoption plan was made for him. I WANT his birth mom to have the comfort of knowing how he's doing, see him grow up, and constantly trust that she made the right decision, how could I ever rob a mother of that knowledge? I WANT to be able to celebrate his birth siblings birthdays with them and with him, and vice versa. It is so important for him to know his sisters and understand who he is and where he comes from. Since meeting her, I can't imagine not having the conversations we've had. I feel as though it would be easy to be judgmental if I didn't know her personally. I know her situation, I know her reasons, I know her desires, and I know how much she loves him and he will ALWAYS know those things as well. I am so glad that I can tell my son that his birth mom loved him so much that she made a decision that gave him a life she never could. I know other families who have adopted and one in particular told me recently that her daughter's adoption is open and her son's is closed and she really wishes that his was open. Her relationship with her daughter's birth mom is something that cannot be replaced and has been so helpful in raising her daughter that she wishes she had that for her son.
6) How soon before you can start the process again?
First of all, let's not jump the gun, the first baby's not even here yet :-)! At this point, it's hard to think past next week when our son will be born, but we have looked into it, so here goes. Once the adoption is finalized, we will have to go through an abbreviated version of the homestudy. We will have to update all of our paperwork (not redo, thankfully, just update/check). This all takes a few months, but is relatively light compared with the first time we had to do it all. So at the earliest, when he's 9 months old, we could be back in circulation. We have no idea what this baby will be like, so we have no idea when we'll begin the process again. However, since we don't know how long we'll have to wait the second time, chances are we won't be waiting too long. Also, if the adoption tax credit still applies next year, the chance of us going for round too sooner is pretty high. However, financially, it would be much harder if we don't get the money back from this adoption! So we'll ... wait and see...
That's all of the major questions that I could think of right now, it was longer than I expected, but all information that I know people are curious about because I get asked daily :-)! I think that our experience has been exceptional thus far and I look forward to next week. (okay, that's the understatement of the year) We are extremely excited to be parents and we are extremely comforted with the things the birth mom has said to us and conveyed to us. However, we're realistic knowing that she has full legal rights until the surrender is signed and we have to respect her decisions and desires until then.
So keep the prayers coming big time the next few days and look forward to posts of our beautiful baby boy next week! Pray for my sanity and patience as well :-) The last few days have moved at a slower-than-snail pace...
And if you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask, I'll gladly answer them!
I'll end with a quote from Pope John Paul II that a friend sent me this week that has made me smile and cry multiple times (Thanks V): "To adopt a child is a great work of love. When it is done, much is given, but much is also received. It is a true exchange of gifts."
Happy Feast Day! Today is the feast of the Chair of St. Peter. I, however, didn't know this until I got to Mass today at the Newman Center and Father spoke about it in the opening prayer. As soon as he said it, Jeremy and I looked at each other and had to contain our giggles. (1st picture: Statue of St. Peter in St. John Lateran Basilica, what used to be the official church of the Pope, now it is St. Peter's Basilica)
