It was drilled into our heads during our homestudy process. To always maintain the birth culture of our future children. To always seek out experiences, people, and events that would promote the culture of their background into their lives in our home. My kids are still young, but I've thought about this a lot. And while I agree to a certain extent, I also have my reservations.
It's hard for me to pinpoint what "culture" means for my children. Three of my kids are African-American and one is biracial (African-American/white). And while that term, African-American, is the politically correct one, I often just call my children "brown" or "black". That's what they prefer and that's what they call themselves. They weren't born in Africa. And while their ancestors probably were, mine were born in Germany. And I certainly don't call myself German-American. I call myself white.
Obviously, if I had adopted my children internationally, culture plays a HUGE part in raising them. Where they came from, what their place of birth looks like or tastes like or sounds like. Those things contribute to their identity as someone who has lived and come from a place outside of the United States.
That's not the case for my kids. So in conversations with other black men and women in my area, I've come to learn that there's not a distinct "culture" for my kids simply because of their color. Many of the black families in our area are just like us. Their day to day lives look just like mine. Many of the white families in our area are VASTLY different than us. Where the only similarity is the color of our skin. In our home, the most important culture for us is our Catholic identity. That is where we place the most emphasis and that is what we primarily focus on, getting our kids to heaven and achieving holiness.
With that said, there are a few things that we have found that are important for my kids because their race is different than mine. Here are ways that we've incorporated their birth culture into our home.
1) Hair.
This is probably the biggest one we've tried our hardest to incorporate into our home. I have tried very hard to learn the proper ways to maintain healthy and culturally appropriate hair and skin for my kids. I began researching, learning, asking questions when Anna was just a baby and I gathered a ton of information. I started learning how to braid, what products to use/avoid, where to buy things, what kinds of accessories black kids in our area do and don't use, etc... It's an area that matters big time for our children. When speaking with black adults, it's one area they always comment on. It's something that is important to their self-confidence, their identity, and to their overall health.
I'm certainly no expert on black hair. And I obviously didn't grow up learning how to care for it. But I am trying my hardest to make sure my kids know how important it is. And I'm working hard to make sure that my children look like their hair and skin are cared for as if their mom was black.
2) Role models
We do have family friends that are black or biracial. And of course we spend time with them because they are friends. But outside of that, I've made it a point to make sure that my children always see and experience black men and women in our community. We go to a certain grocery store because we've had wonderfully positive experiences with the men and women there who love to see my kids and always stop to have a conversation with them. I want my kids around good role models and I feel it's especially important to make sure they have good experiences of role models that look like them.
3) Talk about race
In our house, it is not uncommon to hear us pointing out colors of children in books or movies. We talk about differences in skin color, hair color, hair texture, eye color, etc... We talk about how beautiful and colorful that makes our world. We don't want our children (or other people's children) to be colorblind. We want them to see that people of all colors and beautiful and deserving of our love and attention.
It's a regular occurrence for other children to ask me or their parents why my kids are brown and I am not. I always graciously answer their questions. And they always think that is so awesome. It's not embarrassing or rude for a child to ask that! It's curious and beautiful that while they see a difference, they don't judge that difference. They simply want to know why!
Similarly, if my kids as me questions about others (why is that person in a wheelchair? why does that child walk like that? why does that boy have earrings?), I always answer truthfully and respectfully. I don't ever shush them or act like it's something to be embarrassed about. My kids are just curious as to why. If I make it seem like it's something they shouldn't talk about, they think it's something that other people should be embarrassed about! And that leaves the door wide open for judgmental tendencies and racial discrimination!
4) Books
We try hard to find books that have characters of all colors in them. We have also found quite a few adoption books. It's important for our kids to see people like them in what they read.
5) Dolls
We have dolls of every color at our house. Our kids have brown babies, white babies, and everything in between. Friends of ours have kids with brown babies so that they can look like my kids. My kids love the princess of every color. They especially love Tiana, but they also love to play with Merida, Anna, Elsa, Aurora, Mulan, Jasmine, etc... And we encourage this. We try to promote that multicultural attitude in their play spaces.
6) Adoptive Families
We've tried hard to find other adoptive families to be around. Particularly families whose kids are different races than their parents. It's important for our kids to see others who are like them in race and situation. And this will become even more important as they grow up. It's important for me to have other moms who deal with issues that I deal with.
This certainly isn't a complete list. But it is the most important ones for us. It's important for our kids to know that while they are different and have different backgrounds than we do, they're still a part of our family. Our unique family. That has a culture entirely of it's own. We don't and wouldn't want to look like any other family.
