Holy Women

I mentioned in my "Me" post that so far this year, my dear grandma and my Aunt Margaret passed away.

Last July, my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.  My mom relayed all of this devestating information to my sisters and I and we prepared ourselves to lose this amazing lady.  My Aunt Margaret was a Dominican Sister.  She was a teacher.  She thrived on learning as much as she possibly could and sharing that with others.  She was Principal of Sacred Heart Griffin in Springfield for 20 years.  The amount of lives she impacted can't be counted.  She was kind, patient, caring, strong, and thoughtful.  Everything she said was important, she put time, care and thought into all things.  She was intentional, enjoyed every moment, and truly lived her live on earth as we all should, striving for heaven.  When she got her diagnosis, she wasn't upset.  She was excited to go home, to heaven.  She advised all of us to live each day to the fullest as she did.  She wasn't dying of cancer.  She was living.  She biked over 50,000 miles and walked just as many (enough to go around the world twice, a bucket list item of hers before she knew she even needed a bucket list).  She photographed beauty in God's creation.  She spent time in prayer and community, enjoying all that God had given her.  The lessons she taught anyone she met are too numerous to even type out.

My Grandma Rose was a gentle woman.  The kindest, sweetest lady there ever was.  Her name was no coincidence.  Beautiful, sweet, colorful.  She raised 9 kids and yet she seemed so young and energetic.  She had a deep love of our mother Mary, and could always be found with a rosary in her hand or her pocket.  She could be found at daily Mass and out to breakfast with family and friends afterwards.  She was a constant source of encouragement for me as a mom of many kids.  She'd remind me that each season had it fair share of joys and challenges and that all we needed was faith and love to get through each one.  She pushed me to be a better mom by her example.  She taught my mom how to be an amazing mom and grandma.  I see so much of my grandma in my mom, they're truly kindred spirits.  In each of my mom's siblings, I can see pieces of my grandparents, but my mom most closely resembles each and every one of grandma's greatest attributes.

Over a year ago, my grandma fractured her hip.  At that point, she spent time in the hospital and in a rehab facility.  Managing her pain was difficult and her health declined pretty rapidly.  Medications made her confused and tired and we all saw how hard that was.  She was ready to be reunited with her husband in heaven.  But the rest of us weren't.  She passed away in January after a final battle with pneumonia that she had no desire to beat.  She was ready for heaven and I know that's where she is.

Her funeral was HARD.  How do you grieve the loss of such an amazing person?  The 9 children, 24 grand children, 40+ great-grandchildren, plus countless in-laws looked up to her.  This amazing family that I feel so blessed to be a part of has lost her sweet presence.  And yet, I know that we now have her and grandpa praying for us in heaven.  I know that she continues to be my example and my inspiration.  Her lessons didn't die with her.  Pieces of her live on through her family.

Just 2 1/2 months later, my Aunt passed away.  Her funeral was just as HARD.  And yet both were so very beautiful.  So very them.  Each reading, each eulogy, each flower and picture was just right.  It was everything they wanted to it be.  A remembrance, a celebration, a chance to grieve, and a chance to see God's beauty.

It's hard to put into words how life changing their funerals were to me.  I think of them constantly.  I try to imitate their lives daily and I turn to Mary for constant help and guidance. I can't do it on my own.  And now I have two saints in heaven who are very close to me, helping me along the way.  Life will never be the same without them here but I hope that I can use what they've taught me to keep them close!

Me

It's only been 3 years... Life with 5 kids is as busy as you might think it is!  I thought maybe it was time for an update.  And a chance for me to get some of my thoughts out and recorded for me to reference later.  That is my favorite part of my former blogging and my current social media posting.  It's a digital scrapbook for me.  A way for me to see where I was 1,2,3,6 years ago and what was happening.  I can look back at the blog for the emotions and more detailed accounts of what was going on.  So maybe I'll update more!  Or maybe not, only time will tell, and time is something I don't always have a lot of!

Basically from the moment Anna was born, life has moved at lightning speed.  I have thrown my whole self into being a wife and a mother.  I put everyone's needs first and basically never attended to my own.  And for that season, that's exactly how I needed to do it.  We adopted 5 kids in 5 years.  We had 4 toddlers at once, 4 preschoolers at once, and now we finally have 4 elementary schoolers at once.  That doesn't meant it's gotten easier.  But I've gotten better at managing it.  With a variety of special needs thrown in there (another post for another day), my life is as busy and chaotic as ever.  With one big difference.  I finally prioritized me.

Just over a year ago, I went to the doctor for my annual checkup. My lab numbers had slowly been creeping into danger zones for years, but I was so preoccupied with raising my toddlers that I didn't have the time or energy to be concerned about it.  I was happily enjoying everything I'd ever wanted, my beautiful family.  Well, last year, these numbers had creeped up ever further.  My blood sugars had hit "prediabetic", my blood pressure was much higher than they'd like, and my cholesterol was up again.  My doctor gently told me that it was time to take my health seriously or I was facing diabetes, heart disease and other things that would take up more time and energy than I had.  She recommended that I go on a very low carb diet and focus on lowering that A1C first and foremost.

Well, I wasn't really ready to hear that and I pretty much ignored it for a few more months.  Agnes made her 1st Communion in May and my weight had gotten so out of control that I had nothing to wear and I was too ashamed of how far I'd let it go that I didn't want to shop for anything new.  I threw on a dress and leggings, hating how I felt in it (the dress was cute, I just didn't FEEL cute in it) and I tried to hide behind my family in all pictures.  Except that we took one of just Jeremy, Agnes and I.  And there was nowhere to hide.

When I looked at that picture, I quickly scrolled past.  I knew Agnes would want that picture someday, but I hated it.  That was me.  The lady in that picture wasn't taking care of herself.  She was stressed, anxiety ridden, tired, grumpy, and too overwhelmed by it all to think straight.  I decided that day that I was going to change it.

I did some research into some low carb diets and I found a Catholic group on FB that basically follows a much stricter version of keto.  I picked a date (May 17) and I began my journey.  Within 1 week of replacing all my carb foods with vegetables, cutting out all sugar, and focusing on healthy fats, moderate protein and low carb, I had lost 10 pounds.  Seeing all of that weight fly off that fast gave me resolve to keep at it.  The first few months were HARD.  Detoxing from all of those carbs and sugar was HARD.  However, I quickly saw the results.  I was dropping the weight fast and in return, I was gaining energy.  I started walking every day during the summer and being more active with the kids.  By July, I was down 30 pounds.

Jeremy and I went on a 10th Anniversary getaway and I managed to eat "on plan" throughout.  I was feeling better and better each day.  By October, I was down 50 pounds and people were starting to notice, I had to buy a whole new wardrobe (something I've done 2-3 times now).  We went on Jeremy's CPCU trip to San Diego and I felt amazing.  I couldn't believe how much energy I had, how great my clothes felt on me, and how much more I could do.

M

It has now been 11 months and I'm down 81 pounds.  I'd like to lose 9 more for a grand total of 90,
but it's coming off REALLY slowly at this point.  I'm not super concerned about the number, that's just where my "in body assessments" show me with a "healthy" balance of muscle, fat, water weight.  I had my annual exam a few weeks ago and my doctor was SOOOO impressed with what I did in the last year.  Not just the weight loss, but all of my numbers were right in the middle of normal again.  Right where they should be. Not only have I lost 80lbs, but I lost a lot of anxiety.  I lost brain fog.  I lost stress.  I lost exhaustion.  I lost my "prediabetic" status.  I lost high blood pressure.  I lost 10 years off of my face, people are constantly commenting on how much younger I look.  Or how good motherhood looks on me.  Or how calm I look.  Or how I seem to handle things so well.  Or how organized or put together I always seem.  And to be honest, I feel those things now.  I feel put together and organized.  I feel on top of my family's crazy schedule.  I feel on top of the various diagnoses, service plan meetings, phone calls from school, doctors appointments, therapy appointments, leading AHG, volunteering, etc...  I can actually manage it all and feel okay doing it.

April 2018/April 2019

So far in 2019, my beloved grandma has passed away, we've received big diagnoses for Anthony, we've had major setbacks and recoveries with Mya, my dear Aunt passed away, Josie broke her wrist, and more.  It has been emotionally hard this year.  And yet, I've handled it well.  I've been able to approach each challenge with a clear mind and a solid plan of action when needed.  I haven't let anxiety get the best of me.  I've grieved and I've cried, but I've also prayed and rested and balanced all of it the way I should.

I say all of this not to toot my own horn.  Maybe your'e in a stage like I was.  Your life is crazy and you're barely keeping your head above water.  Do what you need to do.  Find comfort in God's loving arms and prioritize.  And when you come out of that hard season, remember to prioritize you.  Remember that as God's beloved daughter, you matter.  You're important enough to put first.  He wants that of you.  It took me years to realize that taking care of myself isn't selfish.  I'll probably be in a "survival" season again and I hope I can remember these things.  So to the future me, take care of yourself.  Eat the things that make you feel good.  Walk to clear your head.  Stay away from what makes you feel yucky.  It's not worth it.  And rely on God's grace to take care of everything.