So I was sitting in Mass this morning and I remembered a dream I had last night. It was very realistic and not like many of the weird dreams that seem to occur where strange things happen in weird orders and you can't make sense of any of it. This one was very real. In it we were chosen as adoptive parents by a birth mother. I got to be with her during the birth and three days later we took home a baby boy. I vividly remember comforting the birth mom and consoling her during this hard time in her life. Again, it was very very real. I woke up and it was one of those things that was so real that you have to distinguish reality from dreams.
So anyway, I don't know if it's just been on my mind a lot or what, but it got me thinking nonetheless. I am just so happy right now as we wait for our first child. In a way we are "pregnant" in every sense except the physical. We are making preparations both physically, emotionally and spiritually as we know that we will have a child in the (hopefully) near future.
However, I was not always so happy and a I was praying today I was reflecting on the peace that I feel right now. I am at peace now and thoroughly enjoying every minute of this journey, but a year ago I was not in the same place. I was struggling immensely with feelings of jealousy and even envy towards those who were married right around the time that we were and who seemingly had no trouble conceiving. It was VERY hard for me to even appear happy for them and I'm sure I often came off grumpy or overall rude. I was at a point where they had something that I wanted and I didn't understand why I couldn't have it (writing that makes me sound like I'm 3 years old:-) but in a way, that was my mentality). So basically as much as I wanted to be happy for people having their beautiful babies, I was bitter and hostile.
So now is where I insert my apology! I truly apologize, from the bottom of my heart, to those who this hostility was directed towards. Whether you noticed it or not, it was there! And I truly am sorry for feeling that way towards anyone! In my defense, however, I have come to learn, through our adoption training and my own prayer and reflection, that this was my way of dealing with my infertility. It is a natural part of the "grieving process" and that I am not alone in the way I felt. It is actually very common to feel that way, although that does not make it right. It was a relief, though, to know that I was not some monster who could not be happy for others. I was just in a time and situation that made it difficult to love others and be joyful for them as I should. It truly was a time when I disliked who I was and I strongly disliked the way God was planning out my life.
This was one of those things where no matter how many times people told me that "God has a plan for our lives and we just need to be patient", I still had to actually come to that realization on my own. So after finding out for sure that we will not have biological children and realizing that we were very strongly called to adopt children, I truly became a new person. It was literally as though one door slammed shut and another one flung open. I stepped into a new period in my life and my whole outlook changed. I can honestly say that I am joyful for others, especially for those who are having children! It is such a blessing and I feel so happy for others now! It's amazing how quickly it changed. I also am more happy with myself because I do not feel as though I am constantly criticizing others or feeling jealous of them. I always wanted to be happy but just couldn't do it! Now I can, and it is truly genuine!
It feels good knowing that I can look back, recognize my wrongs, and humbly repent of them and seek forgiveness. It is not easy for me to swallow my pride, but it is something that God has continually given me opportunities to do, despite my protesting! I have truly come a long way and hope to continue working on it!
Now I really need to work on patience, this waiting game is not really my favorite thing! But it is something I have had to relinquish control of and simply wait for!
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