The last few weeks have been a struggle for me here at home. I enjoy being at home so much, but having so much time on my hands makes it very hard for me to overcome my frustration playing the waiting game. We have been fully licensed to adopt now for 3 months. Three months doesn't sound like a long time, but to us it seems like FOREVER. (And I REALLY can't stand it when people say "it's only been a few months", I want to scream)
When I am home all day, wishing that I was at home with my own children, each day seems like FOREVER. The struggle is that I love being at home. I love having my hubby come home to a clean house with dinner on the table after I was at the park with lots of people and got lots of RCIA work done. It is a wonderful feeling at the end of the day. However, when I am subbing or any other kind of work and am super busy, I am able to temporarily forget about my frustrating waiting game.
Yesterday I kept asking myself, "What am I doing?" By that I mean, where am I going, what purpose am I fulfilling? I am kind of a stay at home wife. Well, in all reality my hubby's not that high maintenance that he needs a stay at home wife :-). I just feel like I'm watching everyone's lives fly by while I'm standing still. Each decision I make, each "career" choice I make are all made assuming that we will have children soon. But will we? I just really don't know. It is just really hard for me to see the purpose in it all. Should I have gotten a "real" job? Should I just plan as though we won't have kids and live my life accordingly? Or should I keep doing what I'm doing and let it go? I have never been a patient person and I really like to have control over things. Letting go of that is not something that comes easy to me.
Some days I am so hopeful. I just hope that God will bless us with a child soon and everything will go smoothly. Other days I just can't see that our time will ever come and I just KNOW that we'll wait years and years. I guess it all comes down to trusting in God's divine plan and right now that just seems scary to me. I KNOW that it will ultimately lead to my happiness but it's hard to see past the frustration of the NOW when the one thing we want most in the world seems so far away...
So please keep us in your prayers. It is a trying time and although I know that God has a plan for our family, there are days when I really struggle to trust in it.
1 comment:
Sending lots of prayers your way. I can't imagine how hard/frustrating this must be. I, myself, have a hard time finding a balance between we will probably be parents one day, but also knowing it's in God's plans and it's completely up to Him about when we'll be blessed, or even IF we'll be blessed. I can't imagine what it would be like to just have to wait though, at least we can "do" something... ;)
Let me know if we can do anything for you! :) Even if you just need someone to listen to! :) We love you guys! :)
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