Please do not say...

When we went through our Homestudy, a portion of it was dedicated to "How to word things." (Okay, maybe that's not the official title, but that's the best I could come up with for now...)  People often are very casual about the way they speak, I, myself, am guilty of not thinking before I speak (more often than not).  However, since receiving our phone call, I have become very sensitive to the language and wording that people use.  I realize that most times, things are said innocently, but I guess in order for it to change, I have to tell them it bothers me... Something I'm not very good at.  So here's a short list of things I have encountered recently and how to best rephrase them so as not to offend or judge anyone.

1) The term "giving them up for adoption" is the most common one I hear (and have used many times in the past).  I hadn't ever really thought about it myself, but if you truly think about the sacrifice that birth moms are making, you'll quickly realize there is no "giving up" about it.  It is just that, a sacrifice.  They are selflessly giving OF themselves so that their child may have a better life.  Instead, of "giving up", they are making an "adoption plan".  They are freely choosing to "place" their child with an adoptive family in order to GIVE them a better life.  They forever love the child, they forever think about the child, they forever give of themselves for the child.  Can you imagine, as a birth mom, hearing the term "giving up" over and over again?  I cannot, that would be torture, so I am now very careful to make sure the sacrifice and planning are key when describing her choice.

2) Your adopted son/daughter.  I haven't heard this one spoken to me, but I have heard it spoken to others.  My son will not be identified as "our adopted son."  I will forever identify him as "our son."  If needed I will say, "our son who we adopted".  It really can make a child feel like an outcast to place a label on them.  Would you go around referring to your child as "my birth son/daughter?"  No, so why put the adjective in front of a child who was adopted?  He will be first and foremost be "our son" and if questioned, yes, we adopted him, and love him because he is our son.

3) Doesn't she know where babies come from?  I've heard this one a lot referring to our birth mom.  Yes, she has other children.  Yes, she knows where babies come from.  She made it very clear to us that she does not see any of her children as a mistake, but she knows she's made some questionable choices in her past.  I want everyone to understand how highly we think of her.  She is making the ultimate sacrifice and she is a mother who loves her children, this was so apparent and our son will always know how much she loves him.  We are not here to judge her but to be a "family" to her in a very unique sense of the word.
     I have so much respect for her ability to look into the future and understand that the future of her child depends on her choice today.  She knows that choosing to place him with us, as his parents, that she is giving him the opportunity to be a virtuous and successful man in his future.  I cannot argue with those intentions and I see them as totally selfless.  It makes me hurt to hear negative things spoken about her, she's about to give us a gift more precious than anything.  Please pray for her and understand that no matter what happens, she is a part of our family now and she deserves respect, love, and all of the prayers we can give her.  I'm overcome with gratitude for her and joy that God has put her in our lives. 


Those are the major ones.  I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing anyone.  If you made one of these comments to me, I don't even remember who you are.  I don't want you to think I was mad, I just know if I don't want them said to me, I may as well tell you!  So just make sure you're careful about the wording of things, it's really made me think about the way I word things.  When in doubt, just put things in a positive manner.  Thanks!  Keep the prayers coming, we (S, baby, and the two of us included) need them!


P.S. I thought it would be really appropriate to write this on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  It's always humbling to think about the sacrifices mothers make and to remember our Mother Mary and her sacrifices for her son.  It is always important to remember that what we say and how we view others should always model our (sinless) Mother and her gentleness and compassion, she is the perfect model.  Mary, Mother of God... Pray for us!