Holidays

As we head towards the end of the year and approach multiple holidays, I can't help but think about holidays past. 

Each year, we hoped and prayed for a child.  And each year, the holidays rolled around and it was still just the two of us. 

It really was only 3 years, but it felt like an eternity.  And I hated feeling like I just had to get through them.  Maybe part of it was that we'd been together for so long (we're going on 10 years together).  When you've spent 7 Christmas with just the two of you and you're hoping and praying for a child, another 3 is almost torture.

The holidays were hard.  Being around so much family with so many children around and everyone asking "So when are you guys going to have kids?"  A lot of times, I just wanted to crawl in a hole.  I wanted to shout, "If it were only that easy!"  I usually just said something like "Whenever God blesses us with children."  But what I said in my head was "Mind your own business, it's a very touchy subject!"

Infertility affects you every single day.  And I haven't touched on it much since we've adopted Anna, but that doesn't mean the emotions that come with have gone away completely.  I'm grateful for our daughter, each and every day.  And I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of Adoption.  It is truly a blessing and something I treasure a lot. 

In reality, it's kind of hard to explain.  I don't ever long to be pregnant.  In fact, it was always something that scared me and was never something I looked forward to.  I don't ever long for a child that looks like me.  To me those things have just never mattered.  Infertility affects me in that it takes away all of my control. 

And maybe that's what I need...

So anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a post about infertility, but it's been on my mind lately. 

I'm finally looking foward to the holidays this year.  I look forward to sharing the traditions that Jeremy and I have begun with Anna.  I look forward to making new ones.  I look forward to sharing the birth of Christ with my daughter and helping her understand it in the years to come.  I'm looking forward to eating turkey and stuffing with her on Thanksgiving and teaching her how to take a nice football nap.  I'm looking forward to answering the door tonight with my cute little ladybug and handing out candy.  And I'm looking forward to the focus being on the blessing we've been given through Anna instead of the cross we've been given through infertility. 

And I'm keeping in my prayers all of those who long for a child and are still waiting.  And I pray for patience, hope, and peace.