Bonding

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Jeremy and I have changed in the last 6 years since we've been married, dealt with infertility, and become parents to one, two and then four children.

It seems like we were married just yesterday.  And it seems like we have been married forever.  It seems like we brought Anna home yesterday.  And it seems like Agnes and Mya have been a part of our family forever.

But they haven't.  And that's where I find it hard sometimes.  When Anna showed up on our doorstep, it was instant infatuation.  We had nothing to do but dote on her every hour of every day (and night).  After years of praying for a child, here she was.  And she was perfect in every way.  And we wanted more of that.

When Anthony was born, it was different.  We were already parents, we had a (barely) toddler to look after, we had challenges with Anthony's birthmom and he was a more challenging newborn.  There were nights when I rocked him and just had to remind myself that he was ours.  That I loved him.  But it took time to bond with my son.  His constant crying, spitting up, not sleeping was a challenge.  We were sleep deprived and yet we loved being the parents of two.  After a few months of adjustment (and some Zantac for Anthony), we fell into a good routine and bonded well as a family of four.  Now Anthony's the child whose sight I cannot leave.  He is all about mom ALL. THE. TIME.  I had nothing to worry about.  I just had to make the choice to love him and nurture him each and every day.

 Adopting through foster care has really been a whole new challenge.  I knew it would take longer to bond with the girls than it did with my babies.  They came with baggage.  And even though they're still so young, they had been let down so many times, I knew I'd have to build up their trust.

And each day I have to make the choice to love and nurture them.  I figured it would be easy to bond with Mya, she was still a baby.  But she's been my challenge.  She's a handful and my parenting style and the one she was used to are vastly different.  And it's taken time.  But all of the sudden, when she gets hurt or scared, she's crying for "mommy".  Instead of "Agnes".  Bonding with her is a continued work in progress, but we're getting there.  And that's wonderful to see.

Agnes has a very "quick to attach" personality.  She latched on to us quickly, although we knew she didn't quite trust us. After almost 6 months, I think she's starting to trust us.  She's a good and helpful girl, full of energy and curiosity.  And she's eager to please and eager to learn.  She is also a button-pusher when she decides to be.

Today was one of those days.  She did everything in her power to test me.  I think she's seeing if she can trust me or not.  Despite the many time-outs and stern chats, I think we're slowly earning her trust.  She's never lived with someone for more than 6 months, so this month marks a milestone in her life.  I'm hoping that in the coming months, with a final adoption date on the horizon, that we see that trust in her.

After our struggles this morning, I found myself repeating to her that I love her and I want her to be happy, safe, holy and kind.  And I reminded her frequently that the rules we've set up are to keep her happy, safe, holy and kind.  Because we love her.  It's on these challenging days when I have to choose to love her.  Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice.  To want what's best for someone.  To desire their good.  I want my sweet Agnes to be happy, safe, holy and kind.

I'm grateful that we've walked this journey and no matter where God takes us and our family in the coming years, I'm grateful for the lessons my family has taught me.  It's hard.  Each and every day is a challenge at our house.  Four toddlers means constant chaos and that's something that takes a lot of patience (not my strong suit).  But we're figuring it all out.  Everyone's thriving and bonding and trusting.