Open Adoption Q&A

We've had an open relationship with Anthony's birthmom from the beginning.  We met her two weeks prior to his due date and we met with her probably 3-4 times before he was born.  We spent the entire 72 hours in the hospital with her and Anthony.  We got to know her well. 

She knew that placing him for adoption would be very hard.  She also know that it would be much easier for her if she had further contact.  She wanted to be a part of his life but knew that she could not be his parent. 

We, also, wanted an open relationship.  Not having one with Anna's birthmom was very hard for us and we hoped that for #2, we would be able to have further contact.  So we were delighted when J wanted to see us regularly. 

Open adoption can seem very scary at first.  It's fairly "new" in that most agencies are only working in open relationships unless birth parents request it to be closed.  So people naturally have a lot of questions.  We answer them as honestly as we can.  We believe that having an open relationship is such a positive thing for Anthony.  Some of these questions are ones we get asked regularly and others are ones people asked when I mentioned doing this post.  I hope you learn something and some fears can be eased!



Is it awkward when you have visits?
In all honesty, it used to be.  Just as when you begin getting to know anyone new, there was an adjustment period.  In this case, we weren't just getting to know her, we were joining our families through one very special little guy.  She gave my son life and I never forget that fact.  However, there are times when awkard things may be said for sure.  And at first, my own pride got in the way of me enjoying each visit a I worried about whether he liked her better or she wouldn't like my parenting choices.  All of those worries are gone now as I've realized that was me, and my own pride!!

Are you ever worried she's going to want him back?
In short, no.  She knew that she couldn't parent him.  It was never really an option for her.  Does she love him?  Absolutely!  Does she want to see him as much as possible?  Yes.  But I also know that she wants what's best for him.  She made a very selfless decision and while she certainly had a lot of grief to work through, she knows that he's where he needs to be. 

She did say once, "I could just take him home with me."  I knew she was kidding (a lot of people say silly things like that).  However, in this case, I quickly asked her not to say things like that.  Mostly for Anna's sake, as I didn't need her to ever worry about anyone taking her brother away.  Thankfully, she understood where I was coming from and has really been careful not to say things that could be interpreted differently by the kids anymore.

What does he call her?
We call her by her name.  If he wants to call her something different down the road, that's fine with us.  He knows she's his birthmom and he knows her name.  I do know that this was a challenge for her at first.  As she wanted him to call her a certain thing.  However, Jeremy and I talked and really decided it was best for him to make that decision down the road.  We explained this to her and while I do think it hurt her feelings, she really did understand where we were coming from.  That was probably the most challenging moment of our open relationship.  That was hard for her and it was certainly hard for us to speak up about it.  But in the end, it's been for the best and she is just delighted when she comes over and he goes running up to her, calling her by name.

Has your relationship with the birthmom changed over time?
It has certainly changed.  I think this is an important point.  Just as all relationships grow and change, open adoption relationships certainly do.  In our case, we agreed to see J very often at first.  We called her once a week and saw her once every other week for a few months.  She really needed that in her grieving process.  And since he was a newborn, he didn't care.  I know, for me, that was really hard.  It was very often and I was working through my own emotions with adding a kid to the family and he was a super fussy baby and not spending enough time with Anna, etc...  In the end, we did it for J.  She needed that and we were willing and able to help her out in that way.

After two or so months of that, we started to spread visits out.  I'd add a few days each time.  We go into each visit with the next date on a post-it note.  I text her a few days before letting her know where we'll visit.  This works for us, as her schedule is pretty flexible and open.  Since ours isn't, this works out great.  Eventually, we were meeting once a month and making sure to hit major holidays/events (Christmas, his birthday, her birthday, etc...).  In the last 6 months or so, it's really become about every other month.  We're busy people, with four kids and activities.  And she's worked through a lot of grief and is totally different now than she was 2 1/2 years ago.  So it seems about right now.  We plan on continuing every other month and making sure to have visits around those major holidays or birthdays. 

At first, it was a little awkward.  I mean, she gave us a child.  Then it became a little bit of a challenge, as we felt as though we were seeing them all the time, even more than other family members.  Now that things have settled into what I think will be a long-term relationship, we enjoy seeing them and look forward to visits.  J and her mom usually meet with us for about an hour and that's just enough time for now.  We meet at parks, the zoo, the museum, or sometimes at our house.

In the future, as he gets older and has more of an opinion, it will really become his responsibility to tell us what he's comfortable with as far as visits go.  It's important for us that we have that long-term relationship with her, but we also want to respect his wishes in the future.  We're here because of him. 

How did you define the relationship in the beginning?
I think this is one of the most important things you can do in an open relationship.  We really did set strict boundaries at first.  She was a allowed to call once a week, we would set up visit dates, etc... We were told by our case worker and J's mom that this would be the best way to do it with her.  She lacks some of the social skills to understand boundaries sometimes.  So we are very blunt with her.  We have given her very specific boundaries and it has been great.  It's allowed all of us to feel comfortable.  And it's allowed her to trust us.  She was concerned at first that we wouldn't hold up our end of the relationship.  he didn't know if she could trust us or not.  We've never cancelled a visit and we've always given her CDs with pictures and things on it.  We want her to be involved in his life.  She knows that now, and I really feel that setting those boundaries with her at the beginning allowed for a much more relaxed relationship.

How do you explain the relationship to Anthony and your other children?
As our kids are still very young, we haven't done a whole lot of explaining.  We talk about the kids' birthmoms.  We also have adoption books for them that they read and have information in them about their birthmoms.  It's a little tricky since Anthony is our only child who has an open relationship.  None of the girls do.  Anna's birthmom expressed that she may want to someday.  I don't know if that day will ever come.  And the other girls' birthmom will not be a part of their life for safety reasons.  For now, proximity helps.  Anthony's birthmom lives in our town.  The girls' do not.  We will have to have an entirely different conversation with A&M about their birthmom when we feel they're ready. 

For now, we just explain that they grew in their birthmom's tummy (and use examples, like my sister who is pregnant or other pregnant ladies we know).  We tell them that they couldn't take care of them, so they chose us to be their mommy and daddy.  We remind them how much their birthparents love them and how they wanted what was best for them.  That's enough for now, with 2, 3, and 4 year olds.  We will add more details to the story as they get older. 

I will say, Agnes has some challenging behaviors after we visit with Anthony's birthmom.  She's old enough to remember her birthmom and I know there are some negative emotions there.  She has a hard time understanding why we get to see his birthmom and not hers.  We try to explain it as simply as possible for now, but I know, as time goes on, those big feelings will lessen.

What's your plan if she oversteps boundaries in some way? (Ex: shows up at school, calls his doctor, tells him he doesn't have to listen to you)
This was a major concern of ours initially, before having an open adoption.  Our case worker did a great job at explaining it and she was right.

In the case of a domestic infant adoption (I'm not talking about foster care adoptions, definitely different here), the birthparents are choosing adoption as the best plan for the child.  They want what is best for the child, just a we do.

Having said that, I don't worry about J doing any of those things.  She WANTS visits with him.  And she knows that if she oversteps her boundaries and makes us uncomfortable, it is our right, as his parents, to keep him safe.  If that means lessening or stopping visits, that's what we would have to do.  I don't say that like we're "blackmailing" anyone into doing what we say.  I just mean that she knows that we have his best interests at heart.  If she wants more visits, she will ask (in her case, I don't doubt it!).  If she would like to come to a basketball game or something down the road, she would ask.  And we would assess it at the time.  She would understand and respect our decision.  For his sake.

Now, that is an entirely different scenario with our two from foster care.  Their birthmom will purposely not know where we live or where they go to school.  We don't live in the same area as her and she doesn't know that.  If she were to find out any of that information and overstep her boundaries, we would get agency and authority involvement for the kids' protection.  And if J ever did anything like that, we would do the same, but again, that is not even a remote concern of mine.



I'm thankful for J and for everything she does for Anthony.  She shows all of my children how much their birthmoms love them.  She definitely respects us and thanks us for being his parents on a regular basis.  She loves that he has all these siblings (although, she would also love him to have a brother.  Her mom, quickly told her that was not her job...).  She loves seeing him grow and develop and learn.  She brings the kids gifts for their birthdays (all of them!) and they each get a gift from her for Christmas.  She has really taken them all in as her family and we are so grateful for that.  Our kids love visiting her and her mom.  I wish we could have this relationship with all of our kids' birth families.  But that's just not the case.  I wish that every child who is adopted could see how much love and support come from their birthparents.  I wish they all understood how much love went into the decisions they made.  I'm thankful that Anthony (and my girls) will be able to see it and understand it.