Today's rollercoaster

We had quite the day today!  Whew!  For about a week now, we've had plans for another meeting with the birth mom today after her doctors appointment.  We planned accordingly making sure we had the afternoons off and stuff.

Then the snow came and tried to screw it all up!  First of all, I'm pretty sure I received a record number of phone calls in one morning today.  Everyone under the sun called me about something and they were all random things, it wasn't all one person or even one topic!  But that's beside the point.  One of the phone calls was our caseworker calling to tell us that S's caseworker had canceled our meeting for today.  She told us that she wasn't sure why or if it was S or her caseworker that actually canceled it, but she said she'd find out.

Cue intense emotions!  At this point, I just "knew" that everything was going to fall through, surely it was our birth mom that had canceled cause she didn't want to see us anymore and she'd changed her mind and she wanted nothing to do with us and blah blah blah.  I'd pretty much convinced myself the world was ending at this point and was a total wreck, crying and sobbing and stopping only to field more random phone calls (yeah, like the one where my dad was stuck at a gas station because the car key broke... random, and funny!).  So anyway, I was quite a wreck and my week had gone from bad to worse very quickly and I wanted to chuck the phone accross the room.

Then an hour later, our caseworker called back to clarify.  It was actually S's caseworker that canceled because driving in the snow makes her extremely nervous and S still would like to talk to us, so we should go ahead and give her a call.

I quickly laughed at myself for my earlier outburst of emotion and called S.  Now, the last time I called her, it was EXTREMELY awkward.  This time was extremely normal.  We talked a little bit about some stuff and then we decided to go ahead and meet without the caseworkers as we still had the afternoon off, the snow had stopped, and the reports of the roads were clear.  She actually really wanted to see us and she really wanted some social interaction as she's been "a total couch potato" for a few weeks now (her words).

So we drove to meet with her.  And it was awesome!  At this point she is TOTALLY committed to her adoption plan and she is very sure in her reasons and decision to place her son with us.  We had a chance to talk with her one on one and she really opened up to us and talked a lot to us about things going on in her life and stuff.  We also solidified a name with her today and we are both really excited about it, she was honored with the thought we put into the middle name for her!  She also confirmed what she said last time about wanting us at the hospital and wanting me in the delivery room.  She wants us to take him home as soon as he's released.

We also talked a lot about the future and the contact she wants with us.  She really wants to be able to attend his big events, baptism, birthday, adoption party, etc... She also asked if we'd be willing or want to come to her daughter's birthday parties to celebrate with them.  We asked her to write him a letter to read to him all of the time and to hang on his wall and she was very honored and had wanted to do something like that but didn't know if we would want that.

So all in all, it was a fantastic experience to see her by herself, no caseworkers.  After the meeting, we feel very confident about the whole situation.  We really connect well with her and we're confident that this is for real and that it's actually going to happen.  It was really nice and we're so glad we decided to go and that she was up for it.

So two and a half weeks and we hopefully will have a really fun blog post about a our really cute baby!

Whew, the last few weeks have been quite a whirlwind.  We had a fantastic Christmas, got to see a lot of family and eat a LOT of great food!  We enjoyed visitors the week of New Years and had a great time hanging out with friends on New Year's Eve.  Here is a list of highlights of the last few weeks, in no particular order (except for the first!):

1) The birth mom had a sonogram last Thursday.  Since our case worker and her caseworker were both "off" last week (I use quotes because her case worker still went with her to the appointment even though she was on vacation, she's a super sweet lady) we didn't hear any information until yesterday.  Our caseworker emailed and said that basically everything looks good.  Yes, the baby is in fact a boy (since the change in due dates we were a little curious as the first sonogram may have been to early to determine a gender...) but it was confirmed, it's a baby boy.  They also confirmed the new due date of mid-Feb and confirmed the scheduled c-section date of February 7. Everyone looks healthy and we are hoping to set up another meeting with the birth mom in the near future.

2) A few friends of mine threw a baby shower for us last week with some of our friends and that was a lot of fun.  I was so grateful to them.  I knew that after the baby came there would be a shower with family and friends but it was super nice of them to plan one before (although at the time, his due date hadn't changed...).  We got some really cute things and I've had fun organizing the closet.  Although we already have way too many newborn baby boy clothes, but they're so darn cute...

3) Archbishop John Myers (from Newark, New Jersey) was in town visiting his family (friends of our family).  He said a Mass and then they had a get together at their home afterward.  It was nice to chat with him a little bit and to celebrate during the Christmas season in that way!

4) It was so nice to see so much family at Christmas, we had a blast catching up with family, playing games, and just hanging out celebrating the birth of Christ with the people we love!

5) Jon and Justine were up from Florida visiting their families for Christmas and they decided to make a trip to Bloomington to see their friends here.  They stayed with us for a few days and we had fun hanging out with them, David and Stephanie, and my sister and her fiance on New Years Eve.  We enjoyed playing our new Wii game and having some girl chat!

6) We went to the mandatory Baptism Prep class at our parish yesterday.  That was exciting and made things seem a little more real.  We're hoping to have a baptism at the end of February (before Lent!) for our baby boy!

7) Yesterday I went with Veronica and her girls to IKEA.  I'd never been before and so I jumped on the opportunity to go with them.  For an organization freak like me, it was pretty cool.  I have some really cool ideas for our playroom downstairs... We don't really need it now, but I'm hoping about a year from now I can have some fun with it!

8) We bought a freezer.  Using part of Jer's bonus money and money from our grandparents from Christmas, we decided to purchase a freezer.  We've wanted one for a while, and we finally got it.  Since then I have made like 6 different meals (enough food for about 20+ meals) and labeled them and organized them in our freezer.  I said that I feel a little bit like a squirrel stock piling food for the winter, but I'm hoping that this way when baby boy makes his appearance, I don't have to worry about cooking for a while!  And I won't have to grocery shop until like March... (other than things like milk and eggs)

9) Tonight I was asked to share our journey of infertility with a group of women in Peoria.  It has been interesting to reflect on the last 2 1/2 years and see where we started and where we are currently, waiting for our son to be born.

10) Jeremy was proud of me today when I turned down a sub job for the first time ever.  I always say yes, it doesn't really matter what else I had planned to do.  Today I had a lot of catching up on the house planned and I woke up without a voice (I've been battling some allergy issues with the inconsistent weather we've been having) so I told them I couldn't come in.  It's nice once in a while to just take a day for me. I've tried to stay really busy because days when I am bored make time go by really slow.  I'm trying to make the next month go by fast, because February 7 seems like eons away right now.  But today I decided to take a day for me and enjoy a relaxing day at home doing like a billion loads of laundry!


So that's been our last month in a nutshell.  Like I said, I'm willing the next month to go by quickly as we eagerly await the c-section date!  As Jeremy and I talked about 2010 and our live throughout the year, we are amazed at how much our lives have changed and how many blessings we have in our lives.  We certainly look forward to a wonderful 2011 and hopefully the opportunity to become parents this year.  We also are looking forward to the many weddings we have this year beginning in March and ending with my sister's in October!!

No news is good news?

We've had a lot of people asking, so here's an easy way to let everyone know.  So far, there's no more news regarding the baby.  So in the spirit of being positive, we're assuming no news is good news.

We know that the birth mom had a doctors appointment and sonogram yesterday.  We know that her case worker is in touch with her and our case worker is in touch with her case worker, who is then in touch with us.  And we know that the due date is quickly approaching.

We also know that our nerves are a mess and that each day we get more and more anxious.  I feel like everyone assumes that we are just beyond excited at this point.  The reality, no matter how excited we are, is that there are sill so many unknowns and so many things that could go "wrong" at this point.  The fact is, emotionally, we are quite the basket case at this point.  You never know when the fears and nerves are going to take over and you never know when the excitement is going to take over.

There's a lot of emotions at this point.  A few of my friends and coworkers have likened it to the last month of pregnancy and I would tend to agree.  However, as you near the end of a pregnancy, the fact is, the end result IS an addition to your family.  Now, obviously things can go wrong or not according to plan and I'm fully aware of that, but I think our struggle in this last waiting period is the reality that there may NOT be a baby at the end of this particular journey.  Sure we will put our names back in circulation, but this time, there is a very real possibility that it WON'T work out nicely.  And while we try not to dwell on that, it's always there in the back of our minds.

So I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is to bear with us.  We are at a point where we WANT to know information but we DON'T know anything more.  It is extremely hard to relay that to others who are just as excited as we are and want information as well.  When we do know information (that we CAN share), we WILL share it.  We are not secretive people, we are very open and honest about our lives.

The point of this post didn't intend to be a whine session, however, I guess as my emotions are a wreck, that's what came out.  So continue to pray for us and for the birth mom and baby boy.  Hopefully we will know something soon (you know, like a c-section date) but until then we've tried to accept the fact that it's all in God's hands and what better hands for it to be in, and when there's important information to know, we'll know it.

It's no conincidence...

It's amazing to me how much motivation our recent good news has given us.  All of the sudden there are things we NEED to get done and we WANT to do them!  

We were  kind of in an emotional funk as of like a week ago.  It is very draining to try being hopeful in a situation that often seems hopeless.  However, I was reminded this week of how gracious God is and how intricately woven His plans are for us.  It is so amazing to see His plan unfold after so long of questioning if He really had one...

For instance, it is not merely a coincidence that the birth mom who identified our profile is due at the very same time that I begin my new job as nanny/stay at home wife.  It is no coincidence that we had recently taken a cloth diapering class and had built up our supply of cloth diapers.  It is no coincidence that we had finally gotten to a point in our finances where we could (more) comfortably write a check for thousands of dollars (which we will have to do on placement day).  It is no coincidence that almost a year to the day after we found out that we could not have kids, we get a phone call that will change our lives forever.  And it is no coincidence that as we enter this time of Advent, an intense time of preparation for the birth of our Lord, we, as a family, get to actively participate both spiritually, physically, and emotionally in that preparation for our own (hopefully) child.

I often simply struggle with trusting in someone else'a plan.  I like to have control over all situations and letting go of that is extremely challenging.  However in the last 6 months I have learned a great amount of patience.  I have also learned to let go of some of that control.  I'm have no where near mastered either of those things, but I have certainly made some small steps in the right direction.  It actually made me laugh when I said to Jeremy, "Wow, six months wasn't that long to wait." And he quickly reminded me that a few days ago I was saying how long six months seemed.  It's fascinating how quickly your perspective can change!

 The last few days, we have had a blast frequenting baby sections the last few days.  We have bought a few fun sleepers and a toy or two.  My parents went out and bought us a cozy carseat cover since (as long as everything goes through) we will have a baby in the cold weather!  We also have registered, since we finally have an due date and have simply enjoyed doing some of the things we wished we had a reason to do!

So please keep up the prayers, we greatly appreciate all of the love, support, and prayers of our family and friends.