Throughout the course of our Homestudy process and our waiting, we learned about the benefits of open adoption. We definitely wanted open adoptions if possible. However, when we got Anna and realized we would have a closed adoption, we had to shift our mindsets. We'd been taught that open adoption was best and we had to get over our desire to have contact with Anna's birthmom. We started to be very comfortable with our closed adoption and we just got used to it. We knew someday Anna would have questions and we'd deal with them when they came.
Anthony's situation, however, is vastly different. Not only did his birthmom want contact, but the reality is that she wants a lot of contact. And we're glad that we have an open adoption with him and his birthmom. We are glad that we have had the opportunity to get to know her, who she is, where she comes from, why she made an adoption plan, etc... We're glad that Anthony will grow up knowing her and understanding her role in his life.
However, open adoptions are hard. Just like it is hard for me to not be able to tell Anna's birthmom what a wonderful, crazy, fun child Anna is, it is equally as hard for me to meet with Anthony's birthmom and recap the last x amount of days for her. It is hard that (due to her developmental delays) she doesn't understand that he will call ME mom, not her. It is hard that she wants to see us every week and we have to remind her that we agreed on once a month. Each visit, Jeremy and I come home and feel like we need a nap. It is exhausting.
And yet, it is rewarding. It is wonderful to hear her say how glad she is that he loves his daddy so much. He wouldn't have had a daddy had she chosen to parent. And J just loves how much Anna loves her brother, she is so grateful that he has such a loving, protective ig sister. And it's great to hear her say how happy she is that he is in a good home with loving parents. Open adoption is a blessing. And it is a challenge.
And now, having experienced both, I can say that in it's own way, closed adoption is a blessing. But it is also definitely a challenge. At this point in our lives, Anna's situation is easier. But in the future, I think that will change. And I guess I should also say that "easier" doesn't equate "better".
I guess my whole point of this post was to get my thoughts out in words. I am so incredibly thankful for my two babies. I am thankful that both of our children have unique stories and that they are happy, healthy, and totally loved. And when things are challenging, I have to remind myself that in the end, we are trying to do what is best for Anna and Anthony. And so are their birthmoms. And for that, I am incredibly thankful.
2 comments:
I understand. Our Isabella (first) is TOTALLY OPEN! No agency. We had monthly contact the first year, and every 3 months the second year, but really we have each other's phone and email and personal addresses, so it really is just whenever either of us wants/needs contact. It is great! I love it, but it can be overwhelming at times
Isaiah (our second adoption) is closed. We met before birth but they have chosen not to have contact, ever. We send updates a few times a year to the agency and she keeps them on file in case they want an update later on. But, the sad reality is that Isaiah will not likely every meet his birth family and for that I am sad. But, right now, it is so much easier as we just go about our daily lives and don't have much worries right now.
Luke's is open ... But we get to set limits ... I'm still trying to figure out what they should be. Monthly updates the first year I think are the best.
It must be so tough to have a demanding visitation schedule. It's good but then again bad, too, as it is alot for you and I'm sure Anthony as he gets older.
But you are exactly right ... Everyone wants what's best for the kids! Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts!
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