Triggers

I posted about the girls' Gotcha Day on October 15.  And that day also marked some very sudden behavior challenges with Agnes.

I guess I didn't think too much about it causing her anxiety.  We were excited to celebrate them joining our family, but for her it brought up a lot of hard feelings.  It was the day she was uprooted and moved.  Again.  It was scary for her.  She was scared of moving yet again and she was scared of what we would be like.  She didn't know then if we would stick with her or not.

So us "celebrating" that day, actually did more harm that good.  She didn't really want to go back to that day to remember.  The feelings it brought out came with a behavior change that we hadn't seen a whole lot from her.  We get glimpses, here and there, of some challenging behavior, but I mean, she's 4.  I expect that from any kid!

She started mentioning her other birth sister, C.  A lot.  She also mentioned case workers often.  She no longer has a case worker and hasn't for months now.  But all of the sudden she was talking about them.  She also said some things that caught us off guard that she must have heard/experienced before moving here.  And just today, she out of the blue started talking about when her and Anna had beds that weren't bunked and said something about taking good naps in them?? 

Again, Agnes is only 4.  She can't articulate all of these big feelings in words yet.  So instead, she was getting her frustrations and anxiety out by acting out.  Defiance, aggression, rudeness, laughing at us when we discipline her, etc...  We were frustrated and so was she.  The behaviors built up slowly and we didn't really see it until this week.

Halloween week.  Last year, they'd been here two weeks at Halloween.  I remember it from last year and our house was chaos.  We were all adjusting and life was continually crazy.  We were all exhausted and anxious and nervous about how things were going.  Everyone was on edge and we were trying to suddenly adjust as a family of 6.  The kids felt it and so did we. 

So Halloween events brought out lots of very negative behaviors.  So much that they affected her at school too.  Her teacher mentioned it this week, saying how unlike her it was.  It clicked then.

We learned about triggers in our training.  But you forget about things until you actually deal with them.  Up until now, we hadn't much.  But this time of year was a huge trigger for Agnes.  Many of her major life events have happened this time of year.  Moving has almost always happened in October for her and Mya.  Halloween doesn't have happy emotions associated for her.  It made sense that she was acting out. 

So we had a nice chat.  I talked to her about big feelings and appropriate ways to express them.  She brought up C and why we hadn't seen her in a while.  (Long story, but her foster mom won't return my calls.  It's sad for us)  I explained as best as I could.  And just like that, her attitude improved. 

Agnes was back to her usual self today.  Sure, she had her moments, but she has those every day.  As do I.  The trigger of Halloween and Gotcha Days is over for a year.  Next year, I'll have a plan of attack.  This year, we were thrown completely off guard as foster parent newbies.  I'm glad for the life experience and I look forward to the day when she can fully express herself!!