Fall-through

As I mentioned before, Agnes' and Mya's birthmom was expecting again.  We had been asked to take the baby as a foster baby if a hotline call was made and the baby came into care.

Then we were told that the agency was under the impression that birthmom was trying o avoid the system and had left town and possibly the state.

We had been told that birthmom's due date was in November. 

Turns out, her due date was in December and she had the baby the week before Christmas.  However, since we currently have 4 under 6 (the limit in Illinois), we would've needed a waiver.  So without going into too much detail here for the world to see, the baby went to live in the foster home where the girls' other sibling is.  They technically had room, we didn't.

That's the short version...

So here we are, with another fall through.  We had prepared, we were ready, we were excited for another baby.  We had asked family and friends to pray for us and for the baby.  It's as though we lost a baby.  We have grieved as such.

Our Christmas celebrations this year were less than perfect, mostly due to illness.  But if I'm telling the honest truth, I didn't feel like being around a bunch of people asking questions about the situation.  We're very sad.  We feel as though the rug was pulled right out from under us.  It wasn't the agency's fault (as far as we know) but higher up than them.  We're frustrated and upset.

And at the same time, we're trying to enjoy the four beautiful children we do have.  It feels a little strange, from someone who wanted children so badly, to be sad over losing one, when I have 4.  I have to remind myself that it's okay to be sad.  It's okay to be upset.  We said yes to a baby and that baby was placed somewhere else.  The truth is that we want another baby!  Badly!  And losing this baby brought back a lot of those still raw infertility emotions that I hadn't had to deal with in years.  We've been in the trenches with four toddlers for a while now with no time or room to think about more children.  And yet, the time had come.  We were both ready.  Perhaps Jeremy more than me which surprised us both!

It's hard to put the emotions into words.  Our kids would've done really well with another baby.  Thankfully we hadn't told them about this possibility.  We didn't want to crush them if it didn't work out.  And now that desire is there and it's not going away.  Until Agnes turns 6, we can't even pursue another adoption.  And while that wait seems like forever (over a year and a half), we keep reminding ourselves that God has proven time and time again that building our family happens on his time, not ours.  We don't feel as though our family is complete yet, and God has placed an overwhelming desire for another baby on our hours.  I'm very impatiently waiting to see what He is going to do with that!

So if we've seemed distant the last few weeks, we have been.  I'm not sure how to move on with all the emotions.  I'm not entirely sure how to enjoy every minute with my four beautiful children while still grieve the one we lost.  The illnesses our family has dealt with the last few weeks have been a teeny tiny blessing to me.  I wasn't ready to face the world yet.  I don't know that I'm totally there yet even now.  But with routine beginning again next week, I'm going to have to face it anyway.  The sick kids have kept us at home, as a family, enjoying quality time.  And while I don't want to spend Christmas like this ever again, it turned out alright this year. 


And I'd like to add, that we feel so thankful for all the prayers.  Mostly for the prayers for the baby.  The baby was born healthy as far as we know and is being taken care of by capable people and is safe, our number one prayer.  And we hope that some day, that baby can know just how much it's wanted and loved.