Cousins

I mentioned it in my Quick Takes yesterday, but Anna is going to be a cousin!  Congratulations to my sister and brother-in-law!  Our family is growing again!

When we mentioned Anna being a cousin to our caseworker, she asked us how that makes us feel.  (She is a counselor by nature :-).  It's a good question,  knowing our struggles, and I know my sister will read this and understand why that's a legitimate question :-).

So how do I feel?

I can honestly say that I am THRILLED for them.  My first thought when they told us was relief.  I am so glad that my sister, someone who I love very, very much, doesn't have to go through the heartache that I went through when trying to grow our family.  I am so glad that she doesn't have to feel that hurt and walk that painful journey.  I never want to see someone go through that. 

And at the same time, I'm thankful I had to walk that path because God has Anna in His plans all along.  And I can't imagine our lives any differently.  However, infertility is still a part of the journey we are walking.  It is still something that we deal with on a regular basis.  Does it consume our lives anymore?  No.  But it will always be there.  It will always make pregnancy announcements sting just a little bit, no matter where they come from.

It doesn't sting because it's my sister, or my friend, or my dad's uncle's brother's counsin's sister's friend.  It stings because it's an announcement I will never get to make and wanted so badly for so long. 

I'm not jealous.  I'm not envious.  I don't want their lives, I want my life, the life that has led me to Adoption and the blessing that it is for our family.  But at one point, I was jealous, and I was envious.  At one point, I wanted to be in those shoes.  And I can feel that hurt.  Maybe I'm not explaining it well, maybe I don't even understand it well.  I can feel the hurt of my former self.  And the sting of that pain.  So when I say it stings, I don't mean I hurt now.  But I do mean I hurt at one point.  And I can't help it.  However, I can help my joy.

I said what my first thought was when my sister told us, but my second thought was joy.  And for that, I am grateful.  My infertile self has come a long way and I'm so glad my first two thoughts were relief and joy.  My sister is a mom and her husband is a dad!   How beautiful!   I'm now an aunt, Jeremy's an uncle, and Anna has a cousin, and a girl at that!   Praise be to God!

So how do I feel?  I feel thankful.  Thankful that God has blessed us in so many ways and continues to do so each and every day!  Congratulations Sara and Kel, we can't wait to meet her in just a few months!